Every cell in my body felt this day coming. My emotions are all over the place, tears well up in my eyes over the slightest things. The pain in my chest grows out of nowhere. The heavy pit I feel in my stomach won’t go away. I feel fragile and exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Mentally exhausted. Today marks 15 years since I last held Zach and it feels like it was just yesterday, except yesterday feels like an eternity ago.
One year ago I sat at this keyboard and wrote the start of a blog that I never published until this morning. I decided finished or not, it’s part of my story and Zachary’s story. That’s why I have this site - a place to celebrate him and share my truths. In any case, I read a book that gave me some hope and validated the changes in emotion I was feeling. I felt like I was starting to turn some dark corner. The pain never left me, but I thought I had it folded up neatly and packed away in bins. We adapt, right? Take what life throws at us and we work it out. I realize that Zachary’s death will never be “worked out”. I will never be “over it”. I was thinking though that I had gotten that boulder near the top of the mountain. That was until that DAMN BOULDER crushed me and rolled back down to the bottom.
A couple of months after this epiphany, I was sitting in the cafeteria of the school I work at having our first back to school meeting. We were getting hyped up for the new 2020 school year. The mention of the year 2020 awoke a beast of emotions that were buried deep inside. Back in 2005, I knew that the man that murdered my son would be eligible for parole on May 24, 2020. Today. Fifteen years ago I thought this day was eons away, that I would have all this time to grieve and prepare. The idea then was that some magic was going to happen and I’d be ready to face this new chapter. 15 years is a drop in the bucket. It’s nothing. I haven’t had enough time to grieve. I am not prepared for his possible release and I know I will never be.
For some background he was charged with, pled guilty, and sentenced to 15-40 years for 3rd Degree Murder. Current law says he is eligible for parole after serving his minimum of 15 years and each subsequent year after until his maximum of 40 years. I always kind of assumed that there was no way he would be let out at 15 years and it was really just going to be about going through the motions. When I began to research parole I found out that there there was a VERY REAL chance he could be released. About half of violent offenders are paroled after serving their minimum sentence. HALF. What I never understood until now about this process was it's not really just about the crime anymore and the impact it had on our lives. It's now about whether he's behaved in prison or has completed his mandatory classes. It's whether or not he's been able to keep a job in prison and what his plan will be for finding one once he gets out. It's whether or not he is remorseful for what he did or at least convinced the right people that he is. The justice system gave him a 15 year sentence for not following the laws of society and up to a 25 year sentence for not following the laws of prison.
In August 2019, I took the initiative to make my first phone call to my Victim Advocate. It was my advocate’s job to walk me through the process of parole. Standard protocol is the system triggers a letter to let me know this date was coming up. I couldn’t leave it to chance that checking the mail on any random day would lead to a breakdown simply for opening a letter with HIS name on it. There have been a few times since Zachary has passed, that I got some form of communication about HIM. Each time it instantly stopped me from breathing. This time I wanted to take some control of the process, so I did.
My advocate and I talked often. I wanted to know the ins and the outs of this process so I was as prepared as I could be. I made a decision to run full steam ahead and face whatever I had to in order to fight for continued justice for Zachary. I asked everyone for letters of support to ask that parole be denied. I started a petition that gained over 5,000 signatures, and I researched the heck out of the parole process and parole statistics. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I felt. I was taken back to the darkest place I have ever been. On a daily basis I was pouring my heart out, asking for support, reading letters, refreshing the petition an inordinate amount of times a day to see new signatures. I was dug in and I wouldn’t allow myself to take a break. My heartache and pain didn’t matter. Being prepared to go into battle, speaking for my son, was all that mattered.
In December 2019, I was given one hour to pour my heart out and plead with one parole board member and one chief examiner what the last 15 years of my life has been like. They make over 1500 decisions a month for the entire state of Pennsylvania. How could I, in one hour, leave an impact with them? This wasn’t just one emotional day. It was months of emotions leading up to this day and then months of emotions after this day waiting for their decision. Somewhere in this time it sunk in that if we “won” and he was denied parole, that I would have to go through this process over and over again, every single year until they granted his release. As it already stands, March 4th - May 24th is a difficult time. Now each summer’s end I’ll be notified that the parole process is about to begin again and I need to schedule my date and prepare. Each winter, right around Christmastime, I will get to address the parole board and then wait for their decision sometime in March or April. Every year I go through the parole process I am re-victimized. This is my potential reality for the next 25 years. If and when they decide to grant parole, I then have to figure out how to live my life not only with fear but also knowing what the justice system deems the value of my son’s life is worth.
Guys, I am tired. I am hurt. I am drained. 15 years has not been enough time to pay for my son’s murder. 15 years has not been enough time to walk through my grief. Today marks a transition. I am no longer in years 1-14 where things were just about Zachary and healing. We are now in phase two, years 15-40. May 24th is not only another year that my Meatball isn’t here with us and we mourn his loss, but now May 24th is a day that his murderer will eventually be set free.
Today I mourn for my sweet, chubby, red-haired, widowed peaked, meatball. Mommy loves you with all I have in me. I know I will regain the strength soon to keep pushing that boulder back up the mountain.
Thank you to every single one of you that has shown your support, offered your kind words, had patience with me and stood by my side. You are part of why I can keep pushing.
I love you Zachary