In the corner of my room, sit these two seemingly ordinary stuffed animals, amidst a lifetime of accrued belongings and memories. Some of the most valuable items I have are not always what I would have initially expected them to be.
Becoming a mother was the most incredible experience of my life and there’s no better title in the world. I am so fortunate to have three beautiful children. They have each filled my life with love and given it meaning. While Mother’s Day is a very special day, it is also a day that is full of anxiety, sadness, and this looming thought that in just two short weeks, it will be another anniversary of Zachary’s death. It serves as a countdown to May 24th.
Mother’s Day, 2005 was the last one I’d spend with Zachary. We were at my parents’ house celebrating with family. The way that day should have been spent. Zachary was just a little over a year old and starting to love to play with others. He giggled with his sister and his cousins. We ate, smiled, and enjoyed the day.
Two weeks later, I was planning my Little Man’s funeral. What is it supposed to look like? Pictures? Flowers? Music? There were so many decisions. I was numb, in absolute denial. Nothing felt real. I was in a dissociative state. I didn’t want his funeral to feel like a funeral because I just couldn’t bear it. I requested people bring stuffed animals so Zachary could be surrounded by them. That felt like it was right. The Pooh bear and the hippo are two special stuffed animals that were there with my boy, as I said goodbye to him. They are a tangible connection I had to him.
I’ll squeeze them both tonight and it will be the closest thing to getting a hug from all three of my beautiful babies on this Mother's Day.