Hello Meatball,
It's been quite some time since I sat down to write to you Zachary. I feel guilty about it. I've been working lots. Most of my extra time is spent getting ready for my next day. It doesn't mean you're not on my mind. You are. All the time.
I'm actually teaching 6th grade this year. That's the grade you'd be in. It's so hard to believe. I see my students and I can't even picture you getting bigger anymore. I don't know what you'd look like. I don't know what you'd sound like. I don't know if you'd be interested in sports, or playing music. I look at kiddos your age and wonder. It's like you were mine a lifetime ago.
Life has changed so much in the decade you haven't been here with me. It makes my grief feel different. In the earlier years, life was a mess and my emotions were a roller coaster. Now that time keeps wedging itself between you and I, I suppose things are becoming more level. I can get through days, and months without tears. Back then the tears hit constantly. Now when they do hit, it's months in between. I don't know how to explain it. I often think bereaved parents struggle with their words. We want to be careful how we describe how we feel because when we explain our emotions it implies a whole different thing as well. If i'm happy that must mean I'm healed and okay with you being gone. If I'm getting ready for the holidays and singing music, I must be excited for them and used to you not being with us. That's just not true. I do miss you with every ounce of who I am. I wish I could have you home with us. Your loss has numbed me, sometimes making me feel empty inside. I'm just not the same person who I once was. I've been working on fixing that for 10 years. I think it's a life long process. I do my best for you and my kids. I always want you, your sister and your brother to be proud of me.
I am so thankful to be your mommy. We only had 14 months together, but you've played a big part in making me who I am. I am capable of so much more than I ever believed.
Today is the 19th annual Compassionate Friends Candle Lighting Day. It was time to sit down and spend a moment with you. As if you don't already know, I wanted to tell you how much I love you and miss you every single day. We just decorated the tree and hung up all of your ornaments. Kenzy and Liam are always excited to hang them up with me. You are heavily in our thoughts today. I'm going to get my candle and light it for you right now. Across the world many parents are lighting their candles as well. I am sending all of my love to heaven.
Love you,
Mommy
“Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away. It becomes part of you. Step for step. Breath for breath. ”